What they will say - There'll be a carnival in Rio, Samba Superstars etc.
What they won't say - That Edmundo's a nice, sensible lad.
Strengths - Large breasted female supporters.
Weaknesses - Large breasted male supporters.
Chances - Scheidt.
Tabloid Hell - Ronaldo Shares A Dentist With My Hamster.
What they will say - And here comes the stretcher.
What they won't say - And the FIFA Fair Play award goes to.
Strengths - Being red blooded.
Weaknesses - Getting red carded.
Chances - Recoba-d.
Tabloid Hell - Paolo Montero Crippled My Hamster.
What they will say - They once had a flukey, jammy one nil victory over the mighty England in 1950.
What they won't say - England were lucky to get nil.
Strengths - Claudio Reyna has no fear.
Weaknesses - Claudio Reyna has no neck.
Chances - Cram it up yo ass.
Tabloid Hell - Dan Quayle Mis-Spelt 'My Hamster'.
What they will say - It's a dog eat dog competition.
What they won't say - It's a man eat dog restaurant.
Strengths - Home advantage.
Weaknesses - Having a worse record in the World Cup than Scotland.
Chances - Poor wee Seouls.
Tabloid Hell - Delicious Meal Included My Hamster.
What they will say - Football goes in cycles.
What they won't say - Fans travel on cycles.
Strengths - The ability to construct a defensive wall that's visible from space.
Weaknesses - Once you've seen them play, you want to watch them again 30 minutes later.
Chances - Beijings, crivvens and help ma boab.
Tabloid Hell - Chairman Mao Oppressed My Hamster.
What they will say - Is that Henry Rollins in goal?
What they won't say - Paolo Maldini obviously got his good looks from his father.
Strengths - Defense.
Weaknesses - Everything else.
Chances - Arce.
Tabloid Hell - Cesare Maldini Bears A Striking Resemblance To My Hamster.
What they will say - We beat Scotland in the World Cup.
What they won't say - Everyone beats Scotland in the World Cup.
Strengths - Coffee beans.
Weaknesses - Has-beens.
Chances - Costa Reeking.
Tabloid Hell - Paolo Wanchope Gangled My Hamster.
What they will say - There's a great ball from the Arsenal player to the Chelsea player.
What they won't say - There's a great performance from the Man Utd goalie.
Strengths - The early starts won't interrupt French fans in the shower.
Weaknesses - In a recent friendly they only managed to beat Scotland 5-0.
Chances - Tres formidable.
Tabloid Hell - Jean-Marie Le Pen Received A Vote From My Hamster.
What they will say - Can we check your passport, Mr Couto?
What they won't say - Can you recommend a good barber, Mr Xavier?
Strengths - Talented individuals.
Weaknesses - Talented individuals.
Chances - Wouldn't Beto on it
Tabloid Hell - Abel Xavier Bleached My Hamster
What they will say - They make Scotland look like overachievers.
What they won't say - Hey Manuel, clear a place on the mantelpiece for the trophy.
Strengths - Getting there.
Weaknesses - Staying there.
Chances - Nada.
Tabloid Hell - Basque Terrorists Blew Up My Hamster
What they will say - Danish pasting.
What they won't say - If only Jan Bartram was still playing.
Strengths - Inspire tabloid sub-editors to a million 'Great Danes' headlines.
Weaknesses - Pundit appearances by a red-nosed Peter Schmeichel may affect your vertical hold.
Chances - To Helveg and back.
Tabloid Hell - Michael Laudrup Dribbled Round My Hamster.
What they will say - How do you pronounce that?
What they won't say - Swierczewski, Kryszalowicz, Krzynowek.
Strengths - All the players provide an excellent score in Scrabble.
Weaknesses - Losing to England in qualifying matches.
Chances - We came, Warsaw, were conquered.
Tabloid Hell - German Troops Invaded My Hamster.
What they will say - Quinton Fortune plays for Man Utd.
What they won't say - Tinkler? Sounds a bit pish.
Strengths - They represent The Rainbow Nation.
Weaknesses - There's no pot of gold at the end of it.
Chances - Issa no good.
Tabloid Hell - Nelson Mandela Incarcerated With My Hamster.
What they will say - Flares on the trousers.
What they won't say - Flair on the pitch.
Strengths - You'll never forget your first time.
Weaknesses - Vast capacity for vodka.
Chances - They put the 'Sloven' in 'Slovenly'.
Tabloid Hell - Soviet Forces Invaded My Hamster.
What they will say - Have you seen Midnight Express?
What they won't say - Turkey have seen midday success.
Strengths - The name 'Tugay' is a source of unlimited hilarity.
Weaknesses - Souness will be on the telly as a pundit.
Chances - Load of Istanbul.
Tabloid Hell - Squalid Jail Cell For My Hamster.
What they will say - Fine and Diandy.
What they won't say - What a big Cisse.
Strengths - Unknown quantity.
Weaknesses - Unknown quantity.
Chances - Don't be Daf.
Tabloid Hell - Titi Camara Snapped My Hamster.
What they will say - 1966, 1966, 1966, 1966, 1966 ,1966, 1966, 1966.
What they won't say - 1970, 1974, 1978, 1982, 1986, 1990, 1994, 1998.
Strengths - Foreign manager.
Weaknesses - Penalty shoot-outs.
Chances - Truly Dyer.
Tabloid Hell - Ulrika Jonsson Shagged My Hamster.
What they will say - Dark horses.
What they won't say - Dark hair.
Strengths - Getting busty supporters on camera.
Weaknesses - So much of a one man band they may as well strap cymbals
to their knees.
Chances - Smorgasbord-ering on the ridiculous.
Tabloid Hell - Tomas Brolin Ate Four Fish Suppers, Twelve Beefburgers,
A Vat Of Lard And My Hamster.
What they will say - Hold still...and chee-eese! Hey, nice picture!
What they won't say - The Japanese players are head and shoulders
above the opposition.
Strengths - Playing the tournament during the rainy season may negate
the need to use water cannons on unruly England fans.
Weaknesses - Basically it's Hidetoshi Nakata and ten others.
Chances - More chance of winning on Banzai TV.
Tabloid Hell - Japanese Tourists Photographed My Hamster.
What they will say - Emerged from the rubble of war-torn Yugoslavia.
What they won't say - Hey Boksic, fancy playing Lurch in a remake of The Addams Family?
Strengths - Shirt can be used as a makeshift chequers board.
Weaknesses - Couldn't beat Scotland in the qualifiers.
Chances - Load of Balkans
Tabloid Hell - Robert Prosinecki Smoked My Hamster.
What they will say - Another early exit.
What they won't say - Look at these colourful, madcap supporters.
Strengths - Bureaucracy.
Weaknesses - Tedium.
Chances - Sonck without a trace.
Tabloid Hell - Plastic Bertrand Duetted With My Hamster.
What they will say - Pack your bags, boys - we're off to the World Cup.
What they won't say - 14 pairs of socks should be enough.
Strengths - Four of the squad play in Italy for Genoa.
Weaknesses - Genoa are rubbish.
Chances - It'll go from Badra to worse.
Tabloid Hell - A Camel Took A Shine To My Hamster.
What they will say - Teutonic efficiency, For you Fritz ze World Cup is over, Panzer divisions etc.
What they won't say - They'll be popular winners.
Strengths - 5% vol.
Weaknesses - Michael Owen.
Chances - Load of number zwei.
Tabloid Hell - Tony Schumacher Collided With My Hamster.
What they will say - Why haven't they picked Gianfranco Zola?
What they won't say - Why haven't they picked Lorenzo Amoruso?
Strengths - Defensive play.
Weaknesses - Defending their defensive play.
Chances - Vieri good.
Tabloid Hell - My Mother Is Hairier Than My Hamster.
What they will say - They've had more coaches than Citylink.
What they won't say - The drinks are on me.
Strengths - Sobriety.
Weaknesses - A preponderance of moustaches makes them likely to be mistaken for the Italian players' mothers.
Chances - No great Sheiks.
Tabloid Hell - Saudi Authorities Beheaded My Hamster.
What they will say - Psst, want to buy some weapons grade uranium?
What they won't say - Bring us back some duty free vodka.
Strengths - Nikiforov, Karpin, Alenichev.
Weaknesses - Kanchelskis.
Chances - Are you taking the Yuran?
Tabloid Hell - Boris Yeltsin Drank My Hamster.
What they will say - Luck of the Irish, blarney stone, if only for
What they won't say - Shay Given does his bit for the Irish peace
process by decommissioning his arms from making any saves.
Strengths - Having the support of the fans, the pundits and the Board
of Directors at Celtic Park.
Weaknesses - A worrying lack of potato-based meals in the Far East.
Chances - Duff.
Tabloid Hell - Liam Brady Managed My Hamster.
What they will say - African Champions, Olympic Champions.
What they won't say - Let's roll our sleeves up lads.
Strengths - Their coach is German.
Weaknesses - Their defence is Jerry-built.
Chances - Likely to Mboma out.
Tabloid Hell - Roger Milla Did A Merry Jig Around My Hamster.
What they will say - Kanu.
What they won't say - Nwankwu.
Strengths - Julius Aghahowa's Olga Korbett impression.
Weaknesses - Tragically, Nwankwo Kanu has the smallest head in world
Chances - You Kanu be serious.
Tabloid Hell - Taribo West Broke My Hamster.
What they will say - Gotcha.
What they won't say - Beatcha.
Strengths - Goal scoring.
Weaknesses - Goring, Scholes, Beckham et al.
Chances - Muy Bien.
Tabloid Hell - Claudio Caniggia Snorted My Hamster.
What they will say - The flight of the condors.
What they won't say - Quito while you're ahead.
Strengths -Many of their squad play abroad.
Weaknesses - Unfortunately De La Cruz plays for Hibs.
Chances - This is going to Hurtado.
Tabloid Hell - Altitude Sickness Affected My Hamster.
What they will say - Vamos a Texas.
What they won't say - Welcome to Texas.
Strengths - 40% vol tequila.
Weaknesses - Montezuma's revenge.
Chances - Distinctly chili.
Tabloid Hell - Cuauhtemoc Blanco Did Bunny Jumps Using My Hamster.