After an extensive search for fresh legs - consisting of a scroll through the numbers in his mobile and a mental search for the people whose name he can remember – we come to this happy occasion.
Thankfully for us all, no humility or fashionable desire to be excused from consideration has been forthcoming and as a result the manager of up-and-coming Scottish Championship side Rangers has decided to offer a contract to recently-retired Kenny Miller.
Miller, 35 this December, and a man whose international retirement was announced last season, scored a baker’s dozen worth of goals in the past two years at the Canuckian Whitecaps of Vancouver and has at the time of writing evaded successfully those members of the (once) local population keenest to make his acquaintance.
Amid the jubilant scenes expected at ‘Murray Park’ (finally soon to be changed but perhaps in deed rather than name?) and thereafter at Ibrox stadium, it is anticipated that a petition of thanks proclaiming the return of Kenneth Miller will be presented to much-loved director of something Alexander Easdale. Others will clearly be disappointed.
FF can reveal (EXCLUSIVELY BYRAWAY) that Miller was and is not the only ex-Ranger to be on the list of wanted men supplied by super Ally to the board of directors. And you can forget that Kris Boyd guy (and incidentally isn’t it telling that some at Ibrox don’t fancy him but will roll out the red carpet for KM?).
Nervously waiting by the telephone are the following:
Still got it.
The original Judas, now and for the rest of his life likely to feel more loved by the blue 2/3 of Glasgow than those familiar with the Commonwealth games arena.
Ok, so not that b%^&^*d – maybe the wee lad can play?
GODDAMNIT, where’s that great picture that sums up so much about this ongoing SNAFU?
And breathe. Time for a cuddle.
Koalas Critics of the Miller deal are likely to be significant in volume. They include in their number most of the people still awake and also many of those dreamers who have watched football before and whose memories of our performances of late haven’t been expunged from the brain by an early-summer binge of boxing, tennis and other f*&^%$g boring sports, but, crucially, not the real football men: those who’ve played the game and are paid MORE THAN A FECKING HALF MILLION POUNDS A YEAR TO LEAD THIS QUEST FOR SPORTING EXCELLENCE REMAIN PROPHETS IN THIS DULL LAND OF IGNORANCE.
Still, people will carp about limited return for money spent, grumble about the two main strikers available to the club being a combined 143 years old and no doubt insist that as we seem more comfortable playing only one main striker we perhaps should be looking elsewhere to strengthen. But we’re interested in a 28 year old recently-released defender with a cruciate injury history to be proud of, so support the team, buy your season ticket and shut up.
It is to be hoped that Carlos Cuellar, Magic Centre Circle Bougherra, Sebo Weiss and other fondly-remembered recent visitors to Glasgow can be added to this youthful assault. Maybe we can ask for that in #readytolisten pt. III
Meanwhile, some still footage of @Toryglenrangers preparing his tribute to the third coming.
Many Errshurr versions of Bothans died to bring us this visual information.
The myriad aspects of the deal - the reasons behind it, the philosophy at work and the complete and utter disregard for even the hint of a sensible plan that your average bear could understand - will no doubt keep punters arguing for the rest of the summer.
A mere two years ago we were in despair but also had the opportunity to reconsider our ways, methods and aims: since then we’ve given some of our younger players a chance but have also been extremely limited in our play and seem keen on experience and bodies above anything approaching original or forward-thinking planning. Miller, who in the minds of many may well be a loathsome individual, is merely the symptom, not the root cause. Nor is he to blame in any of this. His previous for sleeping with the enemy remains particularly unappealing but he’s nowhere near as bad as some of the handful of genuine Rangers fan-turned-players who through their deeds and words of late deserve only to be written out of our history. Kenny’s a nominal Hibernian FCC fan with the intelligence of a stale custard cream but he has been a good professional footballer and won’t be shoddy of effort or be found lacking in work-rate or commitment.
Perhaps, with Jig, Black, Daly and now Miller we’re going for a footballing version of the Charles Xavier School, with these experienced men giving daily tutorials. Still, that begs the question – what are the coaches and manager for? And if you talk yourself into that idea then which of the (younger) players in those positions are the targets for and of that learning and can be said to have clearly and directly benefited? It might also help if, just for once, we could perhaps (instead of paying off) try to sell a couple of players in order to make room for the natural development of others. If it sounds ridiculous in print then the fact it has been made so difficult in reality is another sign of incompetence.
Kenny Miller’s not only our first and primary target for this close-season but the manager has been coveting him like an elusive Panini WC sticker for (at least) the past three transfer windows. Think about that and you can come easily (only?) to the conclusion that there’s something very wrong indeed with the approach of those in charge at this football club. That said, no manager has a blemish-free record in terms of strikers (only goalkeepers seem so dangerous a proposition for managers) and Ally McCoist is certainly not the first of our managers to look back, or to bring back old favourites. But we’re entering year three of the rebuild and, having seen tens of millions of pounds spent and ‘allocated’ we don’t have a single scout, far less a system, and for the second successive close-season we’re bringing in an experienced striker. We don’t seem to want to learn. Santayana would be dismayed.
As we look forward to next season’s attacking options, Nicky Clark has had some time to settle in and much more will be expected of him; in turn he should be granted more opportunities. Daly, who for the last third of last season looked as likely to expire on the pitch with his boots on than be taken off two games in a row, will likely get a wee rest, now and then, assuming Miller’s mix of injury problems and terminal decline in terms of his key attributes (running around a lot) don’t prevent him from starting every week.
It’s far from ideal. And it very likely won’t change while the present structure and personnel in charge of making decisions remain intact.
And yet, for all that, Miller’s here now, officially; it’s on, and it’s time for stage three and STRIKE THREE!
*Horoscope/Fortune-teller Editor’s note: after being drawn away in the Scottish league cup to the Commonwealth Co-operative XI, Mr. Miller bags a first half hat-trick and all the blowhard spivfanreps turn their attention back to forming new supporters’ groups, trying to remember who Dave King is, and attending meetings on ‘net etiquette.