Web reviewer wanted

Last updated : 17 January 2005 By Grandmaster Suck

Many brilliant items appear on the messageboard which are deserving of
a bigger audience and we’re looking for someone who can write a column
for the fanzine giving a roundup of the best posts.

The Manchester United fanzine United We Stand does something similar -
here’s one of their columns to to give you and idea of what we are
looking for.

If you fancy it drop me a line to byerley_turk@cqm.co.uk

Board Stupid – December 2004

The fat kid is well on his way to acceptance judging by the some of the
posts made in the wake of the black armband scandal. Xray observed:
“Dance to your own tune? Don’t give a frig what others think? Stick
two fingers up at the hypocritical press and fans? Despised by Daily
Mail readers and their ilk? Congratulations, you are now officially a

Sparky_10 offered another view: “Amidst the country’s outrage for
Rooney’s murder of Iker Casillas, no-one in the media has even
mentioned Ashley Cole’s headless chicken act and his even more pathetic
push on Torres, for which he could easily have been sent off. Is it
‘cos I is black?” Deebo countered with “Yes, but the fat one did chuck
his armband on the floor, the disrespectful little b’stard.” Man from
Mars concurred, “I’m with you on this Deebo. He’s not a kid any more,
I’d have got a good hiding at 12 for doing that. Expecting people to
pick up after him.”

Hardly a month goes by without a new angle on the great soup debate.
Teebs has fallen on hard times: “Has anyone got any spare soup they
could lend me?” Doveman helped out with “Pokey’s got some coming out
of his arse at the minute…” You just can’t please some people though,
Teebs responded with just a hint of irony: “That was just the image I
didn’t need in my head right now, cheers for that.” Pokey was already
sounding the all clear: “My cupboard is now bare, so to speak.”

Last month’s They Bleed misogynist tried to raise the tone of the
debate: “What’s the average number of sheets you need to clean your
hole after sending a sausage to the seaside? I reckon I’m about
twelve, with the first couple of wipes being ‘doubles’ obv.” Do you
ever get the feeling you know too much about someone? Replies were
spattered all over the board, but Keps was more analytical: “Obv
depends on yer diet and if yer’ve been on the pop. I like to tear off
a three-er and fold it into a double first up, thus minimising the
possibility of shitty mitts. Perhaps a couple less than 12 all in all.”
Glad you cleared that up Keps. But Doveman was having another quiet
day in his dad’s practice: “I don’t think you can generalise on this
kind of subject. There are factors such as turd texture, hairyness of
the hoop, tissue strength etc. On a good day, a couple of sheets can do
the trick, on another, half a bog roll and a bidet style
‘arse-wash-in-the-sink’ may be required.”

Only slightly less vulgar was the behaviour of the adopted scouser as
noted by Dave79: “Spitting games – El-Hadji Diouf at it again. De
Zeeuw should have knocked him out.” Doveman agreed: “You should be
able to knock fook out of anyone who spits at you on the pitch.” Keps
sought clarification: “I presume you mean bend them over and pull their
shorts down?” “No” replied Dovers, “I mean a swift punch to the side
of the head. Spitting on somebody is disgusting and there’s probably
only one bodily fluid I’d less like to have on me kite…” “Runny poo?”
offered Pokey. “I’d still class that as more of a solid than a fluid”
replied the Man of Doves. But Pokey begged to differ, “The mess I’ve
just been peering at between my legs would pass through a sieve
unhindered…” Doveman offered practical advice: “Eat some cornflour.”

Finally, Remo has been getting a bit of stick from his work colleagues
after venting his views in They Bleed last month. But he has a
reputation to keep up: “Doing one, off to give my bird nothing for her
birthday. Treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen. Regards, the Master.” Meric
consoled him: “Don’t be so harsh on yourself. Four inches isn’t much,
but it isn’t nothing.” Merry Chrimble and that.

December 2004