Don't mistake me for one of those numpties who reckon patriotism is all about wearing a see-you-Jimmy wig and romping all over Europe in a kilt, flashing their brains to all and sundry. Those guys get right up my nose…almost as much as the I-remember-1966 mob, primarily in the media, who are continually harping on about the second most freak result of the sixties.
Recent TV output has underlined my point. A few weeks ago one programme backtracked to the summer of ‘66 and asked the question Who Stole The World Cup? Wasn't it England? And last week another gave us a behind-the-scenes insight into How England Won The World Cup. Didn't they steal it? Add to this ITV's World Cup Heaven And Hell series which adopted a distinctly pro-English stance, there was the weekend tongue-in-cheek drama Pickles, which had the added slant of taking the piss out of Scotland, and we've also had to stomach all the pro-England build-up in the media.
On Saturday John Motson and Mark Lawrenson had me reaching for the volume controls when they started yacking on about their final group match against Sweden when, taking victory in their opening two games for granted, they spoke of how ‘we' – wasn't Preston-born Lawrenson one of Oirland's finest? – might be playing for position against the Swedes, maybe not even wanting to win the match so they can steer clear of Germany in the next round. Get real guys! The Germans are certs to win their group so, if England want to avoid them in the first knock-out round, they surely must beat Sweden.
Strange thought it may seem, until very recently, I had actually penciled in the England v Sweden game as the only one I want them to win. Anything to expose the myth of Henrik Falldownsson! But with Karl Svensson having answered the call from Ibrox, we've all got a foot in the Swedish camp now. How about this for the ideal scenario? A 0-0 scoreline, with Svensson outstanding at the back, then Sweden get a last minute penalty, from a Larsson dive of course…then the Great Cheat steps up and balloons the ball over the bar. I wonder what odds Ladbrokes would give me on that one!!!
I certainly feel the English media might be more than a wee bit guilty of under-estimating Paraguay and our pals Trinidad & Tobago. Paraguay might be one of South America's less-fancied nations but they'll have plenty of skill, they'll be well organized, and they won't be averse to a dirty trick or two. I can hear Motson already, lapsing into his ‘dear oh dear' routine when a couple of take-no-prisoners tackles go in. ‘Thank goodness Wayne Rooney isn't on the field to be subjected to this treatment or he'd NEVER be ready for the latter stages. What do you think, Mark?'
And if all doesn't go according to plan in the first game, the knives are sure to be out for Sven AND Steve McClaren. Don't be surprised if we get a McClaren Out campaign even before his first game in charge! Facing Trinidad & Tobago in Nuremberg on June 15, the English could already be fighting for their World Cup future, never mind jockeying for position for a kind draw, and I'd like nothing better than to see Big Marv clearing everything in sight in the T&T box. ‘With all due respect to our friends in Scotland, England really shouldn't be struggling against players like Andrews, Latapy and oo-er Scotland (Lawro gives a poofy giggle in the background), should we, Mark?' Motson laments.
Then it is off to Cologne for Sweden v England five days later. And with England wearing red for the day, Motson just can't resist it. ‘Could that be an omen, Mark?' They'll probably get the result they need to stay in the competition – my 0-0 forecast might just do it – but, with Germany next on the agenda, the suitcases will be packed…and the great post-mortem will begin.
This is where the English really excel. They'll seek out a scapegoat and, with Rooney probably forced to play against the Germans before being fully fit, Eriksson will get it in the neck, no doubt Sir Alex Greetin-face-with-red-nose will chip in with his tuppence worth and the World Cup, down to the last eight with no English presence, will be relegated to the inside back pages, while the purge of those responsible for England's Shame ‘06 commands greater media attention.
Okay, I've really been staring deep into my crystal ball here but I simply don't believe England are even nearly as good as they think they are. Sure, they've got loads of top quality players – Terry, Joe Cole, Lampard, Gerrard, Owen and Rooney are right out of the top drawer – but I'm not convinced they've got it together as a team, nor am I convinced of Eriksson's ability to make things happen, especially if a game is going against his team.
In many ways he reminds me of Big Eck. Just as the Freckled One was never sure of his best eleven, Sven is still fannying around at a time when he should have a settled side, playing a settled formation, with cover for every position. Of course, he can't legislate for the injuries picked up by the likes of Owen and Rooney but he has been in the job long enough to have established a distinct pecking order where, if one man gets injured, he has a tried and trusted deputy ready to step into the breach. Like McLeish did so often, instead of making one straight swop for an injured player, Eriksson is more inclined to shuffle things around and ends up making three or four changes which result in the entire shape of the team being upset.
And when his team is right up against it, unlike the real top coaches, Eriksson is incapable of changing the shape of a game. Remember Brazil v England in the quarter-finals last time around? Brazil were down to ten men for the last half-hour, after Ronaldinho had been sent off, yet England didn't manage to get in a single shot at goal. Sven was more worried about the dangers of losing a third goal and didn't put Brazil under any pressure. The coward in him was prepared to accept a 2-1 defeat, instead of having a gamble which might or might not have paid off. The point is that he didn't even try anything and Brazil held out comfortably in the end.
Turn the situation on its head and envisage England getting the better of one of the big guns. Will the guy in the opposition dug-out play safe and settle for a narrow defeat, or will he shake things up in the hope of turning the game around? We all know the answer to that one and this is where England will struggle. Mind you, with McClaren having reaped the benefits of dramatic changes during Middlesbrough's UEFA Cup run, it will be interesting to monitor Sven's successor's input in such a situation.
Having taken liberties with Jamaica at the weekend, the English appear to be going into the competition in an upbeat mood which might be no bad thing, if they have the team to justify their confidence. But I've a feeling they've already got their excuses ready and, after a disappointing semi-final, perhaps between Germany and Argentina, you can bet your life they'll be trotting out the ‘if only Rooney was 100% fit' line.
There will, of course, be no lack of FFers out there who will view my anti-English sentiments as anti-British. Don't go there guys! This is a strictly fitba thing, I'm a True Brit, make no mistake about that, but as a football fan I'm afraid my TV has done well to survive the past 40 years of We Won The World Cup gloating. It might survive into the future despite more of the same but, if they were to get a new success to craw about, I reckon the old box will be on its way through the window.
I simply can't afford a new telly or replacement windows!!!
LITTLE BOY BLUE